christmas

well, woke up at around 10 this day. (oh that was 30 mins ago). i did not drink much last night. i don't want my family to see me wasted. That's the reason why i don't go home whenever i had a drinking spree somewhere.

just drank enough for me to doze myself to sleep and enjoy the season.

well, i do have reasons to celebrate this occassion. it's the one moment of the year where all family issues are resolved as if it never happened. everyone seems to be in such a mood to just forget what happened.

i am with my family, and for that, i am happy.

thoughts of a bum... a confused bum...

it has been days now since I started to live in a bum manner. I usually wake up at 10, eat brunch, watch television or listen to songs until I doze myself to sleep again. I try to exercise once in a while, in the forms of routine, or dance.

I love watching TV shows because it allows me to stop thinking for a while. I allow myself to be so passive. I immerse myself in the world of scenes and sequences. I really don’t have to think because I have no critique papers about shows (for now).

But since the start of the Christmas vacation, I curse watching TV shows or listening to music, even if it is the only thing to do. I curse these activities, because now, they further stimulate me to think and contemplate on things about my life.

I see my life as a collage of all the scenes and lines in shows and songs - collage that do not make sense to me, because the pieces contradict one another. Images I see, or lines I hear, point to a part of my life. And no matter how hard I try to avoid them, I just can’t.

they say that there are always two sides of the story. Well, I guess, it also applies to thoughts and emotions as well. That is how I feel right now. Being torn into pieces. Being shattered.

Everyday is a debate day for me. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including holidays and Sundays. What I thought was resolved the day before comes back to haunt me today.
The debate doesn’t seem to stop. It piles up, and comes back again.

The Supreme Court does better work than me I guess. Once an issue is resolved, there is no more coming back! How I wish I could do that. (for one thing, I can smash my head with the gavel to end the misery…)

How I wish that there is an arbiter in me somewhere. The pressure is just too much. Me fighting me for a chance of happiness. Me trying to defeat me just to have a decision that I can call my own. Something that can make me have a stand on. Pathetic. Sadistic even (Without the sexual connotation. Please.) In the end, a part of me will have to lose. And someone has to go with the losing.

How I wish that this is just an issue of me. How I wish that I am the only one stuck in this situation. But that is not the case.

I am not the only one in this chess game who lost the ability to know where one should stand. No more patterns. No more turns. Only three pieces waiting for each other’s moves.

Contemplating led me that this is a situation of choice. But with the state I am in, it is as hard as to celebrate the Christmas as if nothing happened. I can say that this is the saddest Christmas ever. Maybe because I still don’t have the gift that I asked for: Peace of mind. Something that I cannot as of now because the only person who can give that to me is myself.

I never anticipated such an event. Not even the realization about me. I realized that I am the kind of person who does and says things, not for anything else but the things I feel. I say things not in reference to time past or future. I say things for the sake of NOW. And I have realized how dangerous it is to do that. NOW is such a dangerous time, because it is neither constant nor independent.

I look at the past and see the things that I was able to say and do. I look at them now in tears, in disappointment and failure. Not just for my own sake, but for others too. It is too late to go back. And it is too early to move on.

Someone asked me what really hurts me and bothers me at the moment. I can’t answer, because there are many things that a call or texts cannot accommodate.

I am hurt because I am so weak. If I am not, then I shouldn’t be in this position. The truth punched me right in the face.

I am hurt because the circumstances are playing with my emotions. Play with the other aspects of my life but please not my emotions.

I am hurt because I feel that I played with someone else’s emotions too. I failed to live my principle: of not doing unto others what I don’t want others to do unto me.

I am hurt because I brought persons with me in this situation.

I am hurt because I think that I cannot achieve happiness easily. Just the thought of hurting someone hinders me to be happy.

I am hurt because every time I watch television shows, they all tend to say that Christmas is about making other people happy. That did hurt me the most. It has to happen a few days before Christmas. It has to happen when all persons are expected to be happy.

I am hurt because it is very hard to choose. I am in this position again when I have to choose.

I am hurt because I failed, and I have this feeling that I will fail again.

I am hurt because I have myself to blame for all of these things.

I am hurt because the past haunts me. I am hurt because the future haunts me.

I am hurt because I have to live with these.

I am hurt because I am at a position where I have to decide. And many people will be affected with my decision. Many things are at stake here. Including happiness and its counterpart.

I am hurt because I have been given the time to think about it, and still as days pass by, I always go back to square one.

Where will these lead me to? Where will these lead us to?

It seems that I am not a bum. With all those things running in my mind, I have all the reasons not to allow my body to work in a while.

who am i?

i am back to that question again.

i am again at a point when i need to assess the things in my life.

batugan

since vacation, wala pa ata akong nagagawa para macompensate ang calories na inabsorb ko.

except last time na nag-mall hopping ako sa sm karuhatan to sm marilao. it was quite a day. ayos naman ang mood ko when i left the house. naasar lang ako suddenly habang naglalakad.

then i realized kung bakit. kasi gutom na pala akoa t hindi ko namalayan dahil sa hirap ko na makipagsiksikan sa mga estudyante na may christmas party kinabukasn.

nang makakain na me, balik na sa mall stroll mode.

haaaaaayyy...

blue magic really is a place to go to pag ayaw mong mag-isip ng gift. my sister asked my help that day in picking gifts for her friends.

well, practical siya kasi di ko naman kilala ang friends niya at di kami close para malaman ang preferences nila.

pero pagdating sa mga reregaluhan ko, mas gusto ko ang ibibigay ko ay may part ng sarili ko. thoughts, memories, effort, or otherwise.

sana nga lang hindi ako magipit ngayon.

hehe...

mixed, trashed. everything...

this year has been a heck of a ride. and i guess, i really never thought that as this year ends, it's going to be a lot tougher.
i have never felt so restless, so helpless, so confused.
maybe, things are beginning to turn back on me.
the past that haunted me once came back. i tried not to be affected. but now, all i can do is look back on things that led me to where i am now.
i never expected to be in the situation where i am in right now.
all that i wanted is to be happy, while avoiding to step on others' feelings.
ironic. even paradoxical.
minding the fact that in this world, some things that can make you happy will cause someone else's miseries.
i tried to ignore the things that i am heading for, trying to believe that things will be better if i leave it at that.
but i decided to face these things.
sometimes, i feel like asking if what i am doing is right, confronting things that can knock me off.
i feel like i am making it heavier to bear for myself.
right now, i am thinking about those persons whom i consider important. those that i have allowed to become a part of my life in or out of a commitment.
i am thinking of how they made my life happy during those moments that we were together.
of how they made me realize that i am capable of being loved.
but all those memories came with the thoughts of how i made their lives miserable.
of how i destroyed a realtionship that was once ideal.
i guess loving me is a sin. that is why i became their punishment for doing so.
and i have expected them to curse me for ruining their lives.
that would have been better.
feeling the blows, hearing the words of anger, of hatred. of grudge, even.
these things will make me a bit better.
at least i got what i think is due.
but then i get what is the exact opposite.
those people understanding the situation.
those people accepting me for who i am, weakness and all.
suddenly, i want the earth to open up, and engulf me.
i want the seas to bring me someplace where i cannot interact with other people.
maybe, solidary life is not bad at all.
you wouldn't be happy but you wouldn't hurt someone else.
come to think of it.
in the situation where i am in right now,
if i choose, i can be happy.
but the thought of hurting someone will just lead me to be sad.
it's as if i wasn't given the opportunity to be happy at all.

bakit?

my life is getting a bit bumpy now.

i am at a point wherein i have to weigh things, contemplate, and decide on matters about my life, and others'.

it must have been easier if it is only about me. but the case is, it is not just about me anymore.

i survived when i got hurt in the past. but it's hard to recover if you know for a fact that someone got hurt because of my actions.

my head and my heart aches. cliche, but true...

think... think... think...

i really need to think now.

i don't want to make a mistake.

lives are at stake.

we are talking about people here, including myself.

whatever the outcome would be, my life will change. drastically.

balance...

while checking my friendster account (that i do everyday, coz i am a net addcit...), i found this message from a new found friend that i had a chat with this afternoon.

his message made me think... really. when he said that i balance myself prety well, i really am clueless by what it meant.

there are many things that are happening in my life. sometimes, i just see my self tangled in all these events. i am helpless, so to speak. sometimes, i see myself crying, punching the wall near my bed, throwing tamtrums, killing myself by exercising till i drop... all those things.

siguro, it's a matter of choosing to be happy, and finding reasons to be happy amidst all the negative things in life. our life goes on and on, unless we decide to stop.

in the past, i said again and again that i am a misinterpreted being. what you see isn't always what is inside. it is better that way. at least, i won't ruin other people's day by being so grudgy and all. another thing, i won't let life's miseries bring me down.

i have many things to prove, not just to myself, but to other people as well. i have a life to live, dreams to fulfill, and tomorrow to conquer.

childish mode

hehe. para akong binugbog ng sampung elepante...

paano kasi, ngayon ay ang event ng UP BROADCSTERS' GUILD na pinamagatang DANAK: May uwian pa bang magaganap?

i wasn't able to stay long though because i have to go home early. actually, i really needed to go home by one, but i really do not want to miss the org event so i stayed for a while.

guessture rulez!!! lalo na ang mga banat ni julius at dear buddy bambam.

next event: touchball na super nakakangarag kasi ang ganda ng playing area. hehe.

ang intramusros... bow

we are required to go to intramuros today as part of the coursework in PI 100 under ma'am mary jane rodriguez. we'll, today, i tried my luck to go to an adventure by going by myself there on a new route. well, i went home safely, so most probably, i am successful in my endeavor. hehe.

well, i got darker today. thanks to the long walk that we had in intramuros...

what else can i share. got freebies from the souvineir shop in bahay chinoy. hehe.

chack my pics at http://www.picturetrail.com/makey_upd. i am having a hard time uploading it here for reasons i do not know as of the moment.

kain galore

most of my family members are amazed at my eating prowess now. well, i need to admit that i eat a lot more now than before...

bakit kaya?

in all defense naman, i don't think i have what they call anacondas in my stomach. alam ko wala, kasi... basta alam ko wala!

hehe