thoughts of a bum... a confused bum...

it has been days now since I started to live in a bum manner. I usually wake up at 10, eat brunch, watch television or listen to songs until I doze myself to sleep again. I try to exercise once in a while, in the forms of routine, or dance.

I love watching TV shows because it allows me to stop thinking for a while. I allow myself to be so passive. I immerse myself in the world of scenes and sequences. I really don’t have to think because I have no critique papers about shows (for now).

But since the start of the Christmas vacation, I curse watching TV shows or listening to music, even if it is the only thing to do. I curse these activities, because now, they further stimulate me to think and contemplate on things about my life.

I see my life as a collage of all the scenes and lines in shows and songs - collage that do not make sense to me, because the pieces contradict one another. Images I see, or lines I hear, point to a part of my life. And no matter how hard I try to avoid them, I just can’t.

they say that there are always two sides of the story. Well, I guess, it also applies to thoughts and emotions as well. That is how I feel right now. Being torn into pieces. Being shattered.

Everyday is a debate day for me. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including holidays and Sundays. What I thought was resolved the day before comes back to haunt me today.
The debate doesn’t seem to stop. It piles up, and comes back again.

The Supreme Court does better work than me I guess. Once an issue is resolved, there is no more coming back! How I wish I could do that. (for one thing, I can smash my head with the gavel to end the misery…)

How I wish that there is an arbiter in me somewhere. The pressure is just too much. Me fighting me for a chance of happiness. Me trying to defeat me just to have a decision that I can call my own. Something that can make me have a stand on. Pathetic. Sadistic even (Without the sexual connotation. Please.) In the end, a part of me will have to lose. And someone has to go with the losing.

How I wish that this is just an issue of me. How I wish that I am the only one stuck in this situation. But that is not the case.

I am not the only one in this chess game who lost the ability to know where one should stand. No more patterns. No more turns. Only three pieces waiting for each other’s moves.

Contemplating led me that this is a situation of choice. But with the state I am in, it is as hard as to celebrate the Christmas as if nothing happened. I can say that this is the saddest Christmas ever. Maybe because I still don’t have the gift that I asked for: Peace of mind. Something that I cannot as of now because the only person who can give that to me is myself.

I never anticipated such an event. Not even the realization about me. I realized that I am the kind of person who does and says things, not for anything else but the things I feel. I say things not in reference to time past or future. I say things for the sake of NOW. And I have realized how dangerous it is to do that. NOW is such a dangerous time, because it is neither constant nor independent.

I look at the past and see the things that I was able to say and do. I look at them now in tears, in disappointment and failure. Not just for my own sake, but for others too. It is too late to go back. And it is too early to move on.

Someone asked me what really hurts me and bothers me at the moment. I can’t answer, because there are many things that a call or texts cannot accommodate.

I am hurt because I am so weak. If I am not, then I shouldn’t be in this position. The truth punched me right in the face.

I am hurt because the circumstances are playing with my emotions. Play with the other aspects of my life but please not my emotions.

I am hurt because I feel that I played with someone else’s emotions too. I failed to live my principle: of not doing unto others what I don’t want others to do unto me.

I am hurt because I brought persons with me in this situation.

I am hurt because I think that I cannot achieve happiness easily. Just the thought of hurting someone hinders me to be happy.

I am hurt because every time I watch television shows, they all tend to say that Christmas is about making other people happy. That did hurt me the most. It has to happen a few days before Christmas. It has to happen when all persons are expected to be happy.

I am hurt because it is very hard to choose. I am in this position again when I have to choose.

I am hurt because I failed, and I have this feeling that I will fail again.

I am hurt because I have myself to blame for all of these things.

I am hurt because the past haunts me. I am hurt because the future haunts me.

I am hurt because I have to live with these.

I am hurt because I am at a position where I have to decide. And many people will be affected with my decision. Many things are at stake here. Including happiness and its counterpart.

I am hurt because I have been given the time to think about it, and still as days pass by, I always go back to square one.

Where will these lead me to? Where will these lead us to?

It seems that I am not a bum. With all those things running in my mind, I have all the reasons not to allow my body to work in a while.