mixed, trashed. everything...

this year has been a heck of a ride. and i guess, i really never thought that as this year ends, it's going to be a lot tougher.
i have never felt so restless, so helpless, so confused.
maybe, things are beginning to turn back on me.
the past that haunted me once came back. i tried not to be affected. but now, all i can do is look back on things that led me to where i am now.
i never expected to be in the situation where i am in right now.
all that i wanted is to be happy, while avoiding to step on others' feelings.
ironic. even paradoxical.
minding the fact that in this world, some things that can make you happy will cause someone else's miseries.
i tried to ignore the things that i am heading for, trying to believe that things will be better if i leave it at that.
but i decided to face these things.
sometimes, i feel like asking if what i am doing is right, confronting things that can knock me off.
i feel like i am making it heavier to bear for myself.
right now, i am thinking about those persons whom i consider important. those that i have allowed to become a part of my life in or out of a commitment.
i am thinking of how they made my life happy during those moments that we were together.
of how they made me realize that i am capable of being loved.
but all those memories came with the thoughts of how i made their lives miserable.
of how i destroyed a realtionship that was once ideal.
i guess loving me is a sin. that is why i became their punishment for doing so.
and i have expected them to curse me for ruining their lives.
that would have been better.
feeling the blows, hearing the words of anger, of hatred. of grudge, even.
these things will make me a bit better.
at least i got what i think is due.
but then i get what is the exact opposite.
those people understanding the situation.
those people accepting me for who i am, weakness and all.
suddenly, i want the earth to open up, and engulf me.
i want the seas to bring me someplace where i cannot interact with other people.
maybe, solidary life is not bad at all.
you wouldn't be happy but you wouldn't hurt someone else.
come to think of it.
in the situation where i am in right now,
if i choose, i can be happy.
but the thought of hurting someone will just lead me to be sad.
it's as if i wasn't given the opportunity to be happy at all.