On thinking

I sure did a lot of thinking lately. That’s the only thing I can do, with all the things that happened in my life. Most of the times, I feel that I have lost myself, and the path that I should be walking on. After gaining “5’s” last, last term, I had decided to walk away from engineering.

I hate failures. I was not prepared to fail. All these failures made me feel less of a person I was before. I always thought I could do everything, a wrong belief, wrong and tragic.
Today, I am living a new life. I am taking Mass communication subjects. Again, I am fighting for a life that I can own until my dying days. I am struggling to win the battle I chose. I am striving to make myself whole again.

Waiting for Mr. Sandman

I am not sleepy yet; I think I will not be for a few hours more. I have this “day-to-night and vice versa” syndrome during sem breaks. I am awake till the wee hours, and spend the whole morning sleeping, daydreaming. So, while I’m waiting for the Sandman, I decided to arrange my mp3 files and to tell you the perks and flaws of daydreaming…

I love to daydream because:
1. Illusions become synonymous to reality, only in dreams. A true chance to have all of life’s desire.
2. Money is not a factor in dreams. Things are there without having to buy them. It’s like having IMF as your purse.
3. I look so dashing, a true work of art! Pimples don’t seem to exist in my dreams.
4. It’s quite like telenovela, only better. I can even be a star of my own superserye. And you can do everything with the villains without ending up in jail.
5. Bodily pain is meaningless in dreams. (Give it all you got! I’m indestructible, baby!)
6. My subconscious communicates with me.
7. I exercise my talent of genuine creativity.
8. It’s a good way of entertaining one’s self.

However, dreams are bubbles that burst the moment our eyes see the real world. Reality slaps my senses back, leaving me hurt. Nothing’s changed. The world still is cruel, and it can never give us everything we want. We are still plain, flawed mortals with imagination as the only power we possess. We imagine what is not written in the script called life. But imaginations are imaginations. Our senses cannot savor all that dreams have to offer.

After all this thinking, I cannot promise that I’ll never daydream again. What am I supposed to do with all my free time? While I am commuting? Besides, a part of my being human will be gone if you take daydreaming away from me. But with these thoughts, I know what dream’s limitations are. With all the hurts that daydreams gave to me, I did learn some lessons. I sure have a lot of things to do to make my dreams* (the possible ones) come true.

friendster made me realize...

Friendster: mark telan

I scanned my friendster testimonials this morning, in search of who I was, of the changes that I have to undergo to be the “me” I see today. I really didn’t see myself as an “ill-tempered monster” during class productions the way they did. But now, I am aware of it.

But I kept on thinking about the many nicknames that I had. I try to label myself in so many ways, in different situations, as if making a fraction game out of myself.

All my life, I’ve been struggling to assume a personality, a character that I can call my own. And it can take eternity to know that person. I can wear many masks, give myself names, and try to be someone I am not and do that all my life because of my fear of rejection and judgment. I can do that, yes, only if I have a heart that does not know the meaning of the word ‘fatigue’ and a mind that overlooks the person behind the name…

You don’t know me well enough… you don’t know “all” of me…

just call me noah (today only!)

God sure knows how to make us learn a lesson, and wake us up in an ordinary day in quite a queer way…

Boy, what do you think can make me say this? Well, let me tell you something that made me worry (and laugh afterwards) as early as 4am…

Last night I was reading a book about Noah, and the flood that covered the world. Went down to the bathroom before I sleep. Went back to my room, knowing that everything is clear.

Thought I was dreaming as I woke up this morning. I heard my mom saying that the faucet is open, and it caused a big mess. And behold!!!! As I make my first step towards the bathroom, it’s a big mess all right!!!! I know I made a big mess in my life, but this one is literally a mess!!! Now, everything became clear to me. Every night, water supply is cut, and because of my strong desire to sleep*, it slipped of my mind. I left the faucet open, way before I started to read the book. When I went to the bathroom again, I didn’t notice that it is indeed open.

Just today, God made it flood, indoors. And unlike Noah, I was caught off-guard!!!!

*Up to now, wala pa ring nakakatalo saa antok ko. Dami na ngang napipikon sa akin eh, especially pag me katext ako. Antok na talaga ang pinakamalakas kong kalaban. Matagal akong antukin, pero pag inantok na ko…

on cooking, books, changes, org, etc...

Playing: Freestyle live

learned how to cook today (well, i should know how to cook kung matutuloy ang pagsosolo ko sa buhay…hehe).

nga pala, I’m on my eight day na out of forty days… i’ve been reading PDL kasi recently (thanks kay twinkle for giving me the book kahit na di ako nakaattend nung activities nila…). actually, naghesitate akong basahin yun nung una kasi nakakatakot siya… ewan ko ba, yun talaga yung naramdaman ko eh… a weird reaction sa isang librong tanging hangad lang naman ay magandang pagbabago sa buhay…

last night, eyin and I talked about this book and his failure to finish his forty days of reflection. tsk… tsk…

i received a call this morning from my best friend, Pie, informing me about the upcoming activities of our org (UP GRIFFIN). one of the activities will be the publicity and promotion of heart evangelista’s campus tour in UP on december 6, 2004. kung maririnig mo ang voice niya, baka isipin mong bukas na yung event. hehe. ganun siguro talaga kapag bagong recognized ang org after years of dormancy…

also received a text from cheng, about this new raket nanaman on wednesday. di ko pa alam yung raket. Basta pagdating sa raket, wala na atang tatalo pa dito ke cheng… always updated! unti-unti na nga akong nahahawa eh… magaling din sumayaw yun!!!! kinakarir kahit hikain pa! Kaya nga inspiration ko sa buhay yan eh…

thought to fonder: may spare parts din ba para sa broken hearts?

was watching tv nang pinakita yung trailer na ‘yun (I think it was for the new movie of sandara-hero) at somehow, na-trigger nga akong mag-isip… sagot: wala, kasi sa tingin ko we are equipped naman with our own repair mechanisms diba? This process may take a while pero still, we can’t keep on living na hurt tayo diba? besides, life’s path is too short.

We need to stand up and walk again everytime we fall, or else we won’t go that far…

all in a day...

woke up late this morning. bakit hindi, gising pa ako bandang 1am, practically destroying the tv, looking for a nice show to watch...

well, today, sumakit naman ang likod ko sa pagawa ng project nung li'l bro ko sa physics... and guess what????? i thought matatakasan ko na ang paggawa ng kung ano anong structure after leaving engineering... pagawain daw ba ako ng isang practically indestructible tower made of "walis tingting" and thread?!?! well... indestructible naman siya kasi nasipa siya nung dad ko pero ayun, intact parin... hehe

was hoping to chat with my aunt in japan when eyin* (di tunay na pangalan) sent a message... miss that fella... he commended the nice header of my blogger... (you don't know me... well enough...) well the conversation went a li'l bit like this:

e: ganda nung header
e: hehe
e: lilink kita!
m: q: how well do you know me?
e: a: hindi ko alam, basta hindi masyado, yan ang alam ko
m: because i really am not ready to let others know me completely...
m: haha pang novel ba?
e: well
e: ako nga i don't know myself completely
e: sa ibang tao pa kaya
m: nice... you'll see that line sa blog ko...
e: ang galing
e: i was actually thinking na ilagay yan sa blog ko
e: ang layo natin pero sagap pa din ng bluetooth natin a!

well, eyin is my blockmate sa up and batchmate ko sa upcncotc. we've been friends for more than two years. naging classmate ko siya sa es1, math 55, at sa lc ng eee31. kasama ko rin siya almost everyday. together, we faced difficult times... syempre happy momnets din! however, sad ako kasi bilang na ang araw niya... sa philippines!!!! life wouldn't be as happy without him around... (and i am not saying this kasi lam kong babasahin niya... hehe). see, we have developed this bluetooth thing... what i think, he thinks, and vice versa... well, most of the time... i'm surely gonna miss you bro!!!!

nga pala, went berserk when i saw a friend sa tv doing a commercial. yung sa smart buddy zone!!! makahanap nga rin ng zone... imagine, a new phone, plus a chance to be seen on tv. instant career ito!!!

well, hanggang dito na lang siguro muna, i have my sister's homework to finish, and ice cream to stuff myself with... nayt!!!!!

sem's over

my computer's working better now, after rebooting! darn that virus... all my files are gone. medyo boring ang life ko recently kasi naman, sembreak ko... sa bahay lang me, taking the time to really relax after everything that happened last sem!!!! feeling ko, i am a knight, and my mission is to save myself from the terror, dragon-like profs that i had... haaaaayyyyy.... i'm sure glad that the sem is over.

however, sandali na lang at pasukan na naman... so i need all the time right now to do everything... and i mean everything to soothe my tired self... hehe.

dry run...

i finally had the time... and guts to start my new hobby, keeping a blog!!!!!